I know, it's been forever since I've written some ichiruki goodness.

Well, wait no more.... a preview for my oneshot is up and you can read it here---->[link]

Oooh, and the next chapter for my fanfic The False Valediction should be up by next Thursday.



ahhh.... ichiruki goodness is back in my writing.

Well guys, I think it's finally spring. The Bradford Pears are showering the breeze in white petals.

With spring comes warm weather, and change. I need that change. I opened up a fortune cookie and it said, "Your secret desire to completely change your life will manifest." I think it couldn't be more right. I've never gotten such a relevant fortune cookie before. I've always read it as amusement while someone cracks the "Help, I'm being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory" joke. Now that paper fortune is taped on my desk. It's to remind me I've been given the opportunity to change my life, and now it's my turn to do what I need to do to make that happen.

Yeah, I'm done with the university. I'm done with dabbling in the past. It's just not worth it. The emotional hell that I've just barreled out of isn't something I wanna hang around in. It's time to stop thinking of my mistakes, what I can't do, and the restrictions I always thought held me in place. I was never tied down by anything except myself. It's time to take out the scissors I've been staring at and cut the strings.

I've got a room at home that's spotless. I give it four days before 'hurricane me' tears it up again. But jeeze, for once, things look like they're in order. Most of my stuff has been pulled out of Lawrence. Yeah, I still have a couple things I need to go back and get, but I'm fully moved back to Overland Park. I have job interviews lined up, and a plan that doesn't make me cringe. I'd say that's something.

I've been rocking out to Incubus for the last half an hour and singing along. I've painted (for my own creative purposes) a Japanese hanging scroll that I think is decent. I've been glimpsing at the photo collage on the backboard thingy of my desk, and smiling. I've had some good times in the past. My future's a bit different now, but I can't help thinking that they'll be plenty more photographs soon. And laughter. And happiness. And all the things I've ever wanted.

It's a bit cloudy today, but the Bradford pear trees just look gorgeous.

On a really hugely wonderful note.... this AMAZING and fantastic artist- - is doing $25 commissions, and with her talent, it's an INCREDIBLE STEAL! Seriously. I love this artist. So visit their gallery, be blown away, and pay next to nothing for serious art.

I think that I've sorted things out for the mean time.

With all these things off my shoulders, maybe I'll just be me for a while.

I think I'll be able to work, get my life in order, and find a way to return.

With all the pressures gone, maybe happiness will come easier.

I think that it'll be tough for a while. I know that I'm scared.

With all the hugs and reassuring words I've gotten, I'll make it through.

I think that I'll finally discover the drive inside of me.

With all that's happened, I'm just glad to say, "I'm not giving up."



I think the world will be a little quieter.

With all these words flowing from my fingertips, my mind can rest.

I'm really struggling right now, and I don't know why. I have the ability, the skill. I have the brainpower, the opportunity. I just can't seem to get myself to WANT this.

I don't understand why it's so hard to motivate myself sometimes. It's just so impossible to wake up in the morning. Yes, I want what I see in my future if I work hard. I just don't seem to want it bad enough to put in the work I need to succeed.

I severely lack the motivation I am desperate for.

I find solitude and comfort in writing, in looking at art, in singing. Yet I'm only comforting myself. I'm not fixing the problems, the terrible habits. I panic alot, but to stop the panicking I merely bury myself in sleep or in the comfort of words. Not the work I should be doing.

I'm scared of what other people will think, but most of all, I am scared because I am failing myself.

Why can't my passions from my entire life be enough to sustain me? My biggest regret will be never truly pursuing my love for the arts- drawing, writing, singing my heart out, dancing. The things I've done for years in mediocrity. So I can carry a tune and my voice is lovely- I'll never make it out in the entertainment world. So I danced for 12 years and poured my heart into my toes- I'm nowhere near as good as the thousands that will strive to make it and fail. So I have a way with words- but I cannot write things beautiful enough for a publisher. My talent with a pencil is just... nonexistent. I wish I could draw, but I just cannot.

I guess that's the terrible thing about being a jack-of-all-trades. You are experienced in all, even good at all, but a master of none. Maybe if I was good at one thing, I could focus all my energy and WANT to focus all my energy. Yeah, I'm passionate about being a mother, but that doesn't bring in the money that my future child will need.

Where's the hardworking girl I used to be?

Damn having things handed to you on a silver platter. It was just too easy up until now.


~melmal3


Sorry for the dark rant. I just need to get this out... regardless of what emotion it evokes.

I have been tagged by
... who happens to be one of the sweetest and talented writers out there. I admire her in SO MANY WAYS!

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair... I love the smell of my coconut shampoo

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Blue

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes, in a heartbeat...

4. Do you plan outfits?
For parties and such, but otherwise, I'm totally spurr of the moment.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
A little exhausted, but in the sort of mood where I urge myself to write.

7. Who was the last person you kissed?
My rascal, Andrew

8. Person before that?
Sebastian Cornelius of Worcestershire, England.... who's in Australia/New Zealand, and has forgotten allllllll about this little american girl.

10. What are you craving right now?
Another chocolate dipped vanilla ice cream bar that I can spread peanut butter over...

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
...patch kids?

12. Do you make prank calls?
I prank called a teacher once. HA.

13. Ever hooked up with some one out of state?
I had four years of long distance relationships. So... yes.

14. Do you sleep with any stuff animals?
I still have my teddy bear..

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
What kind of dance are we talking? I mean, yeah I own tap shoes.. but really?

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Most likely, although I cannot remember when.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I lick it for a while, but typically get feisty and impatient and end up biting it.

18. Do you like anyone right now?
I believe I do, and he happened to show up at my door today with yellow roses, a handsome smile, and a kiss. *sighs happily* I'm the luckiest girl in the world right now.

19. What do you think of crickets?
There wouldn't be horrible comedy or awkward moments without them!!

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
I met a couple football players, and the KU Basketball coach, and my Representative in Washington... but those aren't really major "celebs"

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
blahhhhhh *sticks tongue out and scrunches face*

22. What are you listening to right now?
Wake Up- Panima

25. Would you go sky diving?
I actually intend to for my 21st birthday

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Yes, but I can't promise I would be totally cordial with the idiot.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
Nah, I'd be nice. He's a US President that I don't necessarily agree with, meaning that I most definitely can learn from him. The hardest thing in the world is to ask someone you can't possibly stand or want to argue with to explain themselves and shut up. But it's the most wonderful thing you can do... you learn so much.

28. Is there anything sparkly on you?
My watch!

30. Do you rent movies often?
Why rent when there's versions on the internet? *smiles sheepishly*

31. Who sits behind you in your math or art class?
I don't have either of those classes. Thank god for taking calculus in high school and getting all my math credits for KU out of the way!!

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
...yes?

35. Who are you going to be with tonight??
Andrew

36. Brown or white egg?
hard boiled!!!!!!!

38. Ever been on a train?
Ooooh, I went on the train that goes through the chunnel from France to England! soo cool.

39. Ever told someone you loved them?
As a matter of fact... I did today

40. Do you have a cell phone?
Indeedy do. It's orange.

43. What is [one of] your best friend[s] doing tomorrow?
My sorority is having an all-house get together!

44. Ever had cream puffs?
Yes, not my favorite. Chocolate tops all!

45. Ever had Breaded Shrimp?
mmmmm... yummmmers

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes. Interesting movie.

47. What was the last question you asked?
"Eh... WTF?!"

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Spoon- Ga Ga Ga Ga

49. What is/was your bus number for school?
I haven't ridden a bus in five or six years.

51. Is your hair curly?
My hair is as straight as it gets *blows bangs out of face annoyed*

52. Last time you cried?
Today

53. Ever walked into a wall?
I'm legally blind in one eye... so you can't even imagine.

54. Ever walked UP a wall?
I rock climb... does that count?

55. Have you ever bought anything from PacSun?
I bought a t-shirt years ago from there.

56. Favorite time of the year?
The transition from winter into spring... right now!

58. Favorite color(s)?
Blue, purple, and green

60. Do you have any tattoos?
Always thought about getting one.

61.Who was the last person you held hands with?
That handsome boy that just left an hour ago... yup, my Andrew.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
I love the quiet when I go to sleep, so nope.

63. Where was your default picture taken at?
heh? *stares confused and blinks*

64. Why was your default picture taken?
you iz stoopid. i haz no default piccy.

65. Do you like your life right now?
Yes and no. I have a long way to go.

66. How do you feel about 'love'?
It couldn't be more real for me right now.

67. What is your favorite animal?
There's no way to pick! But the horse, and the hummingbird are my top two.

69. Do you have good vision?
Well, I wear contacts but I'm legally blind in one eye... so... sorta?

70. Can you hula hoop?
I won every hula hoop contest at every stinkin party back in the day. HECK YEAH!

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
That depends.

72. Do you have a job?
I currently manage and design the family business' website.

74. What are you wearing?
Lucky Jeans, a blue polka dotted shirt, and undies!

75. What does your hair look like?
Its 'dirty blonde, shoulder length, with eyebrow grazing bangs.

76. Ever climbed out a window?
... I used to sneak out them!

77. Can you handle the truth?
Sometimes it's hard to handle the truth, but I have to face it.

78. What was the most recent thing you bought?
a juicy apple!

79. How often do you talk on the phone?
Every day. It's my connection to my family that's far away.

80. What's the longest you talked to someone on the phone?
You don't want to know... HOURS.

81. Do you hate/dislike more than 3 people?
Sure, there are some people I would love to just smack sometimes, but I don't really HATE anyone.

83. Are you sarcastic?
Me, sarcastic? Puh-leeeeze.

84. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes, and he damn well deserved it.

85. Do looks matter?
They don't hurt, but they will never be a true judge of character.

86. Do you use chapstick?
My poor lips would shrivel without.

87. Are you too forgiving?
Sometimes. I have a tendency to let people walk all over me. I give too many chances to some people that don't deserve them. However, I have to say that I'd rather be this way than coldhearted and unforgiving at all.

88. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yeah. So I've got a bit of punk in me, and I have attitude. Bite me.

89. Do you own a gun?
No.

90. Have you made a prank phone call?
Yeah, a teacher... but you should know that already. Psh, repeating questions...

91. Have you ever been in a castle?
Yes! Beautiful ones, but really really cold. Imagine trying to heat those things.

92. Do you like your hair?
Yes, although it can be a bit temperamental.

93. Do you like yourself?
Um.... maybe?

95. Are you more pissed off, upset, or happy most of the time.
I swing between upset and happy. It depends on the day.

96. When was the last time you talked on aim?
I'm chit chatting now.

99. What are you doing today?
Well... it's 1:20 am, but later after I sleep a couple hours I'll probably write and enjoy some time with my sisters.

100. Tag 5 people.






YAYYY!!!